Trapped but safe in His arms.

I feel trapped. Trapped in my own mind. The words swirling around my head somehow cannot make their way on to my tounge. It's a strange feeling being trapped. It's almost like you are numb. You can feel but you don't show. You can't show. Because how will someone react when they find out you're not okay? That it was all a show. That everything you said was automatic. Passive. Without thought or emotion. You were trapped in your own mind. And what you really wanted to say just wouldn't come out. You didn't want it to come out because truthfully, you weren't thinking about what they said or did. You were planning your next meal, your next workout, your next escape to the bathroom after a meal, or how you were going to tell your friend you weren't hungry or already ate. You were too busy living in your past mistakes to be in the present. If you would have said this, that would have happened and if you wouldn't have done this, that wouldn't have happened. You would still be living your own selfish life, "happy". You wouldn't feel the hurt you had been covering up because you would be too busy to notice its presence. It was what you did, which in this world translates to who you are. It was all you had. You pushed family, friends, and school aside. They weren't important. They weren't in the plan. But then the plan failed. Like most things we idolize before God do.  Then you were left empty handed and broken hearted. No one to turn to. No one who would listen to your cries and say "it's going to be okay, I'll help you through this. There is a God out there that loves you. He wants you. He has called you to do far better things than be trapped in a metal box being torn apart by people who should have built you up." They say things get easier over time. But truthfully somethings get messier with time. It got easier and then much harder. One thing I did learn was how great the Fathers love is for me. That when things got messy He was there holding my hand when I was misunderstood or abandon. Maybe He wasn't wiping up the mess but he was there helping me trudge through the mess. While screaming without volume to the world I was speaking into microphones to my Father. He hears me clearly, sees my struggle, and assures me no matter what hell I go through in this life, I am safe in His arms.